I'm Not Even Hungry

Fine, But Delaware's Still the Worst State

Recent statistical evidence confirms an assumption that anyone who has ever met Santa Clause already knew: fat people are generous, or, at least, skinny people aren't. According to the Trust for America's Health, an organization so honest that they have the word trust in their title, the top ten skinniest states, in enfattened order, are:

1 Colorado 16.8
2 Massachusetts 18.4
3 Vermont 18.7
4 Rhode Island 19.0
5 Utah 19.6
6 Connecticut 19.7
7 Montana 19.7
8 (tie) Wyoming 20.8
8 (tie) Idaho 20.8
10 Nevada 21.1

Whereas the top ten fattest comprise:

1 Mississippi (29.5) 28.1
2 Alabama (28.9) 27.7
3 West Virginia (27.6) 27.6
4 Louisiana (27.00) 25.8
5 Tennessee (27.2) 25.6
6 (tie) Texas (25.8) 25.3
6 (tie) Michigan (25.4) 25.3
6 (tie) Kentucky (25.8) 25.3
9 Indiana (25.5) 25.2
10 South Carolina (25.1) 25.1

This brings to mind an observation from two writers at the Economist that, instead of dividing America between red and blue states, one should divide it between horizontal and vertical. Horizontal America, filled with wide planes and concomitantly wide people like Denny Hastert, votes Republican. Vertical America, composed of the skyscrapers that dot the urban landscape in a way that Seuratt would appreciate, has whip-thin liberal leaders like Nancy Pelosi. This is the part where anyone who voted for Kerry can chortle about how people that voted for Bush are as stupid as they are fat. But, before they climb up to high on their laughing-at-Bush-voters horse, they should consider their own fat problem, a fatness of the soul. Because, a list of the top ten least charitable states, in declining order of stinginess, goes like this:

1. Alaska
2. New Hampshire
3. New Jersey
4. Connecticut
5. Rhode Island
6. Massachusetts
7. Louisiana
8. Illinois
9. Washington
10. Hawaii

Whereas the ten most charitable states are:

1. Utah
2. Wyoming
3. Arkansas
4. Nebraska
5. Mississippi
6. Oklahoma
7. South Dakota
8. South Carolina
9. Alabama
10. Tennessee

Utah can kind of be tossed out as an outlier, because their God tells them to tithe heavily to their church, otherwise they'll go to hell, which would presumably entail being followed around for all eternity by jackasses asking if you want to convert to their religion. Man, not even Dante thought up that one. Alaska can also be ignored, because they have to save up their money in case the dreaded penguins ever get their act together and join forces with the Eskimos.

Anyway, the fact remains that although they may be fat, those cross-burning, cousin-loving, trailer-park-living-in rednecks give a hell of a lot of money to charity, and the Waspy McWasps of the Northeast don't. Remarkably, this holds true despite seemingly extenuating conditions like, say, taxation. New Hampshire, a state with no income tax, stands skinny shoulder to skinny shoulder with heavily taxed Massachusetts.

Someone much smarter than me might be able to draw out clever observations on the nature of the welfare state, it's interaction with individual character, irrationally longstanding regional differences, and the development of social prejudices from this data. Perhaps, say, in the comments section. But for now, the English concentrator in me is winning out, so I'll just point out that Shakespeare had this all figured out before the data-crunchers at the Census Bureau could count their legoes. In Julius Caesar, he has his eponymous character declare: "Let me have men about me that are fat/ sleek-headed men and, such as sleep o’nights./ Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look./ He thinks too much, such men are dangerous."

posted by Tim @ 8:42 PM